No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Semen is not good for contacts.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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