When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
