Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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