last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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