Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
