She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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