Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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