Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
