His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
