I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
