Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
