My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
