We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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