I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
