I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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