Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
