Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
