Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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