Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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