someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
