and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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