Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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