loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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