so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
