I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
