So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
