I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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