Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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