I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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