The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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