I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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