Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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