mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
