apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
