In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
