3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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