If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
