So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
