So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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