Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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