he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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