so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
