Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
