My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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