She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
