I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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