Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
