Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
