Can i not drive my cunt home
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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