i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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